today i went for one of my cousins wedding dinner. tell you the truth i still feel that my mum and i, we're just out of place. And I always feel that her other sisters are actually kinda looking down on her at times, or otherwise pitying her. actually.. i will too. i realized much diff my mum and her sisters have. they look so vibrant and proud of their family, their children smart and steady, like they have everything and my mum although still smiling...yet not abit did that hide away her tired dull face. compared to her sisters, most who are her elder ones, she looked so much older and weaker. As the only son, I feel... really really incapable. I feel useless and helpless that my mum couldn't live a better life like her other sisters. and it is only now, recently that i try to reach out for her and love her not just inwards but outwards.

yet, of all the downsides i think of myself, i felt the strength and the confidence God gave me today. i feel like i will make my mum happy and proud in the near future. and the next time we visit our relatives, it will be different, she will look better, stronger, happier and be proud of her hard work she has put in to make this family work, to support me and mould me into someone she will want to see in. this for sure, will not have happened if i did not go to church and learn of the word of god. the change came from there. i use to be a free thinker. talking about logics and how much i think sometimes god is just a wild imagination. but now i think otherwise. i feel the presence of him. moulding me. changing me. yes, i have changed. but it is a good change.

Doubt is powerful, it can make you wonder and change your perspective of thinking endlessly. Trust, also is yet another powerful, gives you nothing more but peace.

went to church several times and this is the third time God has impacted me with his words, through bible study or today's sermon or even just probably me thinking about how great he is gave me understanding and strength i've never had. feels like another break through for me. haha. well, i myself cant believe i have typed all this. but truly, things i dont understand i am finally understanding. So I just want to thank you lord for all. you have touched me. =)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;

I have come that

they may have life,
and have it to the full.
- John 10:10