My Love Code

People change. You change.
There are moments in life
where either a spotlight hits you hard and bright
or hits you down to the very bottom of darkness
You inevitably change and grow
Towards a level of revelation
Your believes and faith can be shaken.
But those that you love dearly, you will forever hold..
even when it gets rough.

You may want to give up but what you once claimed you love..
you should never leave, never abandon. Because time heals.

Time proves. Time strengthens.

God. Family. Lover.

With time you know and learn what is most precious to you.
So never let go because you are letting the time you once long-suffered and treasured for, go.

The tides are never high, never low but always there. Who can take away the ocean when the land needs its water. Love should be this way. It will be tough but high tides can never over shadow it's rising sun and moon, not for long. For when winter and storm is over, you can look into one another's eyes and say...

"I almost gave up on you but I couldn't cause you were everything to me.. and what is love if I did."

我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道
你沒有捨不得
你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我
也只是曾經


你要我說多難堪
我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份


你已經遠遠離開
我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你


安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你
是因為我太愛你

when the night falls....

This is just down stupid jake.

you know that feeling when you can't move on even when you know theres still many things in your life that awaits you. sometimes i really think its no big deal. bud says that i got to be positive, its not like the world ended. truth is i do agree with her. truth is i don't feel anything.. until.. flashes of memories hit me without me knowing. its as though the tap is loose and the water keeps dripping down. i hate it because... i want to be strong. i don't want to be weak. but why can't i hold my tears back. when it flows, my heart feel stabs to it. I look you.. you wanted to move on and you did. i know its hard for you but you are strong, you have to be.. you try to enjoy what you can now without me.. you are nonetheless moving on..

i want to... i told you, you have to. so i have to let you go.. i thought it will work.. but it has been a week. i laugh with friends, i break down after, i eat as per normal, i break down, i try to work... thats... thats where it hit me... i can't... i can't... do my work... i can't... I'm breaking down... be positive.. i want to be. but my mind keeps breaking me... my heart keeps aching. switching back and forth... i force myself to sleep... next morning i wake wishing i hadn't. sometimes i wake up every morning still thinking that we're together. another bus ride to your place, not knowing what to do but just knowing its a norm that i embrace you in my arms each rising sun.

I now know why... You have became my purpose. you became what i look forward to. why I'm angry. why i'm upset, why i'm happy, why i am strong, why i endure, why i learn, why i love, why i know my life is full circle, for better or worse, you filled me whole. its sad.. because we never had much time together being happy... always struggling... but id never give you up... even if the storms come. i'd never..

i feel as though your family were mine, 3 years of connection.. your dad, your mom, your sis and your brother... i never felt extra responsibility but found home... do u know i not only lost you i lost your that precious connection with your family.. u tell me you love me... that its hard for you.. but u have to move on.. how i am going to... why now.. why when its the beginning of everything... June was meant for you but now its for me to deal with this pain. i hate myself for being this weak. i hate it.. i hate myself for letting this happen... i hate you for not being strong for me when i am for you... i keep telling you to let me go, stop contacting me.. but my heart is still with u.. cause i gave too much in this 3 years... it was wrong that we started..

now i am just but a memory and a fading one in time to come.

This really sad... Reading my last post "why cant i make people go- im so glad to have you.." i realize how sad it is that i would say and ask the same. I felt so blessed when I finally got to ORD. Got a iphone for free. Got farewell lunch from people. And collegues telling me that they will miss me.. But nothing from you. Not even 'congrats! U ORD already!!' u just went away on ur trip. I was ok actually. I spend the next few days when ure away taking care and loving your sister as much as she were my own. Shes really inspiring and strong having to go thru chemotheraphy at such a young age. I missed u so much esp when i looked at her. We may had have some arguments before u left but nonethless; i missed u. Its funny thinking how u got angry the last time i didnt text u when ure overseas, so this time i made it a point to text u. Eventhough i was with my friends, hanging out when i was not with ur sister, i missed u and actually forgotten our problems and was already planning how we can actually go on a cheap trip since we are so broke. I was inevitably looking forward for u to come back although i was at the same excited for your mission trip. Monday morning i woke with a nightmare, both of us quarreling. I dont know what but i hurt me as hell when i opened my eyes. The following afternoon, ur mum and i rushed to the hospital when ur sister had a sudden pain in her stomach. When you told me that i didnt had to fetch u i was feeling weird and rather upset i admit.. Its pretty coincidental, but alina was also on a mission trip and she made every effort to make sure jem had every details of her arrival flight so there would be mo excuses for him not to fetch her. I though- perhaps i was thinking too much as i always have. When i went to get u at the mrt station, i ran. For your sister, for myself. I was worried as ur sister were desparately crying for u so when i first saw u i was probably not smiling. But... when u saw me... U did not smile neither, u did not have any indication u wanted me to hug u, u did not say anything. U called me by my name even as we rushed back home. All u talked about was ur trip, i was happy for u but i was by that time, disappointed. You may think u hid it well, but i felt it. But I never knew. At least not like this..

You ended our 3 years relationship. I never knew it would break my heart this. Dinner with mom never felt so hard as i control from tear drops. Im fking weak. I always thought and prayed.. God this tough time will pass because although there are times I am really unhappy and ready to give up. I just can't. Because Im not just use to you. Im not just connected to your family. I don't just feel sad, empathy and urge for you. I don't just want somebody to acc my in my life but I realized I love you.. I truly love you. Even when I'm not happy with you. I love you. Even if it will take the next few years to figure out our problems, I can't wait for us to just have a day of laughter, a few seconds of intimate connection or even just to see you smile for me. I.. am.. just... a... dumb.. guy... Always have been.. Its really a norm to say this but I feel I just can't put in my all for anyone anymore.. Because when i give my all, I'm left with nothing when all is taken. It's nobodies fault. But i am no doubt faithless and harden. I am heartbroken.. this time. I wished time would had stopped at that time when you simply just like me, that very moment when you rest your head uncomfortably on my shoulder on a shuttle bus from sembawang...

Love is just but this when it ends... I truly wish u will be happier... but as of now... love to me is just four letter words.

Its weird why i only think of my blog every time when im really down, have no where to go. it's been a long time since im back here. well, it just feels like a min ago i had everything and now im not sure if i even have any left. thing is im really not sure of anything anymore. things happen for a reason and in the end u can only blame urself.

why cant i make ppl really happy even when i try so hard, be a person someone would go "I'm so lucky to have you!" or maybe thats abit of a overstatement... sigh. its been so long since i last blog..

dear blog, i once rely so much on you, shared all my real feelings to you, now even u feel like a stranger to me.

I'M MISSING ONE LETTER. plese understnd the spelling errors.

it's been sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dmn bloody long since I lst did this. I'm sorry, just hve something else better to do ll the time. nywys, i'm not relly bck to blogging, just something of joy in my hert tht i wnt to express.

It hs been tiring since my lst project in school n now, not ny better, worse in fct. cuse i'm working. nothing gret bout it. work is work. s for pssion, well. thts wht i'm gonn tlk bout. something is greter thn pssion now. n tht is love. relly. I relized tht nothing bets it. fmily love. buddy love. n love love.

sounds like lot of people but relly theres only three.

fmily love = mum

buddy love = wee

love love = b

you think 7 dys in one week is too lil, wit till you work.

i just wnt to sy, im sorry when I disappoint but nyhows...

here is mother tht i'll lwys respect nd tresure

here is true friend tht is hrd to find nd styed unlike others

here is the love of my life tht i wnt to protect nd pmper, never wnt to lose.

it's ll tht i need.

love you ll.