This really sad... Reading my last post "why cant i make people go- im so glad to have you.." i realize how sad it is that i would say and ask the same. I felt so blessed when I finally got to ORD. Got a iphone for free. Got farewell lunch from people. And collegues telling me that they will miss me.. But nothing from you. Not even 'congrats! U ORD already!!' u just went away on ur trip. I was ok actually. I spend the next few days when ure away taking care and loving your sister as much as she were my own. Shes really inspiring and strong having to go thru chemotheraphy at such a young age. I missed u so much esp when i looked at her. We may had have some arguments before u left but nonethless; i missed u. Its funny thinking how u got angry the last time i didnt text u when ure overseas, so this time i made it a point to text u. Eventhough i was with my friends, hanging out when i was not with ur sister, i missed u and actually forgotten our problems and was already planning how we can actually go on a cheap trip since we are so broke. I was inevitably looking forward for u to come back although i was at the same excited for your mission trip. Monday morning i woke with a nightmare, both of us quarreling. I dont know what but i hurt me as hell when i opened my eyes. The following afternoon, ur mum and i rushed to the hospital when ur sister had a sudden pain in her stomach. When you told me that i didnt had to fetch u i was feeling weird and rather upset i admit.. Its pretty coincidental, but alina was also on a mission trip and she made every effort to make sure jem had every details of her arrival flight so there would be mo excuses for him not to fetch her. I though- perhaps i was thinking too much as i always have. When i went to get u at the mrt station, i ran. For your sister, for myself. I was worried as ur sister were desparately crying for u so when i first saw u i was probably not smiling. But... when u saw me... U did not smile neither, u did not have any indication u wanted me to hug u, u did not say anything. U called me by my name even as we rushed back home. All u talked about was ur trip, i was happy for u but i was by that time, disappointed. You may think u hid it well, but i felt it. But I never knew. At least not like this..

You ended our 3 years relationship. I never knew it would break my heart this. Dinner with mom never felt so hard as i control from tear drops. Im fking weak. I always thought and prayed.. God this tough time will pass because although there are times I am really unhappy and ready to give up. I just can't. Because Im not just use to you. Im not just connected to your family. I don't just feel sad, empathy and urge for you. I don't just want somebody to acc my in my life but I realized I love you.. I truly love you. Even when I'm not happy with you. I love you. Even if it will take the next few years to figure out our problems, I can't wait for us to just have a day of laughter, a few seconds of intimate connection or even just to see you smile for me. I.. am.. just... a... dumb.. guy... Always have been.. Its really a norm to say this but I feel I just can't put in my all for anyone anymore.. Because when i give my all, I'm left with nothing when all is taken. It's nobodies fault. But i am no doubt faithless and harden. I am heartbroken.. this time. I wished time would had stopped at that time when you simply just like me, that very moment when you rest your head uncomfortably on my shoulder on a shuttle bus from sembawang...

Love is just but this when it ends... I truly wish u will be happier... but as of now... love to me is just four letter words.